Monday Musings: Close the Chapter & Turn the Page

JB & JJ carrying a mattress to one of their baby cribs to the donation pile.

Many times, in life, we have come to the end of the chapter, but we keep staring at the last page.  That’s where I have been.  If you think this post is a continuation of my what is going on with me professionally; it’s not.  I plan to write two follow-up pieces to my Indy/Ed piece “Why this Teacher Leader is Leaving IPS” soon.  This piece has been viewed over 6,400 times in less than 48 hours and I plan to write one piece addressing questions I have been asked and another addressing what is next for me professionally.


The chapter I need to close is the chapter on infertility.  If you have been reading what I write or have heard me speak in church, you know I have been pretty open and honest about my infertility journey.  To sum it up quickly.  I went through infertility treatments for almost five years before giving birth to my identical twin boys and then I went through more infertility treatments afterwards in hopes of becoming pregnant again.  All of the infertility treatments failed except the one that brought me my wonderful sons.

What people forget is the conditions that cause infertility also can cause other problems.  One of my conditions has caused me recurring chronic pain since I was 13.  After I was called on my 33rd birthday and told yet another infertility treatment failed, my husband and I said no more.  We decided it was best to take care of my health and find a way to alleviate my recurring chronic pain, but the only way to do this was to have a procedure that would prevent me from having any more children.  That’s a tough decision to make in your early thirties especially when you want more children.  I had to think about the two children I currently had and how my pain was interfering with me being the best parent I could be for them.  Seven months later, I had a procedure and a couple months after that, my pain stopped and I haven’t had any chronic pain since.  I had been dealing with this pain on and off from age 13-33; that’s 20 years, two decades; I can’t describe how great I have felt.  I know I made the right choice and I have no regrets.

Next, I rid my house of all the stuff that comes along with infertility treatments: the drug directions, the boxes the drugs come in, the unused drugs, the needles, the boxes to disposes the needles in, etc.  You would think that would close the chapter.  What I haven’t done, even though it has been pointed out to me by several people who had the privilege of entering my home, is that I haven’t gotten rid of my sons’ stuff from infant until now.  We still have the bassinets, the cribs, the cloth diapers, the baby car seats, the changing table, and much more.  If you know me, I’m a neat freak so this stuff isn’t out in the open.  It’s all put away in nice little labeled boxes, but these boxes are taking up space.  In another attempt to avoid dealing with this stuff, I attempted to go into my future place of employment to do some work, but was unable to do so.

We kept everything for when I would get pregnant again.  I know this is not happening, so there is no logical reason to have all of this stuff.  I also previously wrote about my husband and I being approved by the Department of Children Services as potential adoptive parents and we aren’t looking for a baby.  Still, I wasn’t ready to turn the page.  I know I can’t fully live in the next chapter of my life without closing the old chapter.

What is holding you back?  What do you need to let go? I have to let go of these boxes.  Of course, I will keep a few keepsakes to pass down or keep for myself, but the majority of this stuff is leaving my house.  I don’t need these reminders of what I can’t have in my house anymore; it isn’t good for my mental health.  It isn’t fair to my boys to have half of their closets filled with items they can’t use.

If you are holding on to something physically or mentally that is preventing you from moving forward, I encourage you to take the necessary steps to close that chapter, turn the page, and move on to the next one.


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